He admitted that he (probably) had a drinking problem. My heart broke. Well, it hadn’t been long enough to feel heartbroken, but the taste of disappointment was definitely there. I knew that I couldn't go any further than this.
He was the first guy that I'd liked (allowed myself to like) in years. I now wonder if I could sense this brokenness and that's what attracted me to him in the first place. I have a tendency to do that. I've realized (accepted) that I do this so that I won't really have to commit to someone.
This was my first test after finally emotionally prying myself away from my ex. His admission brought me to the tricky crossroads that I could never seem to maneuver in the past. Would I try and convince myself that this was fixable or continue my pursuit of finding something healthy?
For once, I stepped away. I'm proud of myself for the noticeable progress I've made in just a month. At the same time, I'm now struggling with working in an industry that takes so many souls. Alcohol can be such a beautiful thing. These days I'm starting to see the dark side of it more and more and trying to rectify pushing something that can cause so much harm. But, I also understand that the shoemaker can't be blamed for women that opt to wear too small heels that cause them pain (just go with it) or the chef can't be blamed for the patron that drowns themselves in food to wash away their misery. Maybe I’m just placating myself. I can’t struggle with two matters of the heart simultaneously.
In times like this, mindfulness is what comes to me. I really enjoy alcohol, especially the beautiful camaraderie that sharing a meal and a tipple brings. However, more than that I like the feeling of peace and joy. For my stresses and heartbreaks, I consciously reach for prayer, journaling, meditation and tea. It’s this balance that sustains me and what I hope to give to others. After all, if I can learn to walk away when I sense something is wrong instead of waiting five years, then I know it's possible for anyone to grow with anything.